Weirdly enough, now that I’ve written it down, it seems pretty obvious that I’m having a depressive episode again. I’ve spent the past week assuming I was just tired and maybe a bit uninspired, but now that I have it written in front of me, it’s hard to ignore that it’s more than that. “Tired” doesn’t numb you to feelings. “Tired” doesn’t stop you from wanting things. “Tired” doesn’t feel as empty as this feels. Ah well, here’s to hoping I heal quickly enough.
I go through this all the time too, hon. You’re not alone, and people care. I know I’m just a random line of text on the internet, but I care.
This entire last month I was going through a depressive episode, and my biggest warning for me is that I stop taking care of myself and doing basic adult stuff, like eating actual meals, laundry, cleaning, etc. I don’t sleep, I just escape into video games. It got so bad, that when I finally DID get myself back on my feet and go grocery shopping, the credit card agency thought my trip to the supermarket was uncharacteristic enough that they flagged my card for suspicious behavior.
I cried myself to sleep a week ago, wishing for nothing more than the pain to go away, and stay gone, and dreading the next time I would feel as low as I did at that moment. I considered harming myself to make it stop… and I almost never do that anymore.
The next day I felt so much better. Apparently crying and breaking down was exactly the catharsis I needed. I was happy, clear-headed, and excited about things again.
That didn’t last, though. I’m not sure if I’m slipping back into depression again, or if I’m just coming down off the high of feeling so much better again, but I’m back to not caring about anything and being bored with life.
Hang in there. It will get better. I’ll be hoping you feel better soon.